Kept under tight wraps until its recent unveiling, the newest product from Apple, the iPad, is meant to exist as a new class of computer. A new class? Interesting wording, no? For those of you not up on your science jargon, “class” is one of the categories for classifying organisms into groups. This is no coincidence, as the iPad is merely the latest in a long line of products arising from Apple’s secret electronics breeding program, a process they have been perfecting over the last two decades.
A careful study of Apple’s product history reveals the process behind their 18-month “development cycle,” which can safely be put down to the gestation period of their ever-growing line of mutated products. The iPad is merely the latest example, a child formed from the mating of a MacBook Pro with an iPhone, beset by the unfortunate expression of a recessive gene on the iChromosome that resulted in the abnormal screen size and keyboard deficiency seen at the recent launch.
As far as we have been able to trace, Apple constructed its technology using standard industry processes until 1997, when evidence emerged that Apple’s computers were no longer being built, but grown. A small screen mating here, a touchpad crossed with a field mouse there. The dangerous God-complex that was beginning to develop at Apple Labs could only lead to disaster.
The first major commercial affront to nature was the introduction of the eMate. The brazen audacity of the name leaves no doubt in our minds that Apple was toying with forces beyond those of a mere consumer electronics manufacturer. The scientists were becoming overconfident, mocking the industry with their product names.
Shortly after the eMate’s release came the first iMac, a failed attempt at cross-breeding a screen with a computer. However, undeterred by this ghastly creation, the scientists began to exploit their increasing mastery of the iChromosome, growing wildly out of control with the iMac Patterns, which some of our reporters believe were attempts at cross-breeding iMacs with quilts stolen from nursing homes. Subsequent iMac breedings were left unchecked, and soon, elongated features with bulbous bottoms and stretched necks were formed to exploit user preference. Despite the desperate pleadings of the marketing team, the scientists at Apple Labs were getting out of control. “We just barely stopped the iPen,” said one of the marketers. “That was a close one.”
At almost the same time, through processes not completely understood, the first generation of iPods was created in 2001. By 2004, a tremendous number of mutations had formed, indicating experimentation involving heavy doses of radiation had begun. Colors, sizes, screens, almost every trait was found with some variation. The iPod Mini, Nano, Click Wheel, U2, Photo, and the video iPod were all descended from the original line. The unfortunate iPod Shuffle was born without a proper screen at all, but was released to the public anyway in a cruel display of indifference. We can only wonder at what horrors we have never seen.
Now, in 2010, strange breedings between different Apple products have clearly begun. The iPad is merely the first example of this, with the size of a MacBook Pro but the power of an iPod Touch. It’s like they took the worst features of both and made it into a product. This is obviously not a feat of engineering, but a horrible genetic experiment gone wrong. What’s next? Only time will tell for sure, but leaked insider reports indicate Apple is now working on the iSphere. It has no screen and no user interface of any kind. It just sort of hovers and hums gently. “I got close to it once,” said one of the engineers, “and it started vibrating violently and glowing red. That was the last time I went near it.”
